Our Town Is Famous For....

This guy:

As The King was driving us home from work yesterday he rudely interrupted my phone call to Magillicutty when we happened upon this juic-i-licious specimen of a man at the intersection of St. Augustine and Magnolia. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this beautiful stranger’s lusciousness but each and every time one has the pleasure to gaze upon his splendific physique all rational thought just flies out the window.

At this point I could no longer respond to Magill (which was most likely not a problem as she had taken a couple Valium for a minor surgical procedure and was slurring her words like she’s just had fourteen fillings done and the Novocain hadn’t yet worn off), I could no longer grasp a coherent thought, I could no longer breathe or swallow for fear of taking down that little, tiny bit of vomit that had taken refuge in my mouth.

My mind drew a blank……where was my camera? Could I just hang up on Magill and use my phone to take pictures? What would my mother think if I invited him over for a Fourth of July picnic? SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH…... SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH......what would SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH do?!?!?!? I’ll tell you what SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH would have done, she would have so hug up on Magill, swung an illegal right-hand turn from the left-hand turn lane crossing in front of three car-filled lanes of traffic to boldly follow this dumpling of a guy and asking him to pose so her picture would most assuredly turn out perfect.

My - God - She’s - Good!

Me?

I just stayed on the phone and mocked my best friend by making shit up and her believing it because she was two sheets to the wind and high as a kite….besides, I knew I could share a video or two without having to utilize the warranty on my camera due to an exploding lens when it focused upon his ass’s gravitational force.

Our Town Is Famous For....

Chew On This…..

My best buddy, Leelabelle Magillicutty, was sitting at her sewing machine putting the finishing touches on a quirky little throw pillow for her daughter when all of the sudden her son, Seraphim, came into the room and just stood there. She glanced towards him and noticed that his eyes were a bit puffy and watery and his nose looked swollen and red.

She swung her chair around and asked “You okay buddy? What happened?”

“You’re gonna be mad,” he replied while staring at his feet.

“Honey, what happened? Mommy won’t get mad if you tell the truth.”

“Welllllll, I had this reeeeally awesome piece of gum and and it tasted really, reeeeeally good and and I wanted to smell it because it tasted so good and so I took it out of my mouth and I smelled it and and now I can’t get reach it,” he frantically rambled while shuffling his feet.

“Tell Mommy where it is and I’ll get it for you.”

He glanced up and pointed to his left nostril. “I can’t reach it.”

She gently pulled her son to her lap and to take a look-see up Seraphin’s nose.

No gum.

She set off for the laundry room to grab her handy-dandy flashlight, shined it up Seraphim’s nose and saw a T-I-N-Y little corner of a chewed piece of gum lodged so far up the kid’s nose that she was afraid not even a pair of surgical gloves, a chisel, a suction cup and tweezers would be able to retrieve the damn thing.

A panic attack, visions of a bill from the ambulance service that had to come pick the two of them up because the tweezers became lodged in Seriphim’s brain, a bloody nose, and an hour later….success. Look how BIG that piece of gum was!

God I love that kid!

Chew On This…..

What's A Little Poo In The Big Scheme Of Things?

This is not a recent story but every time I think of it I laugh out loud. It is also the prologue of another story that happened earlier this week.

Picha dis (did anyone see My Cousin Vinny?)

One day not too terribly long ago my best friend Magillicutty was mindlessly folding laundry in her family room while watching reruns of Trauma: Life in the E.R. Her son, Seraphim, walks into the family room and announces, “Mom? I got poop on my hands.”

Magill turns to him, sees poop all over his hands with a smear here and there on his clothing and says, “Honey, mommy has told you that if you have a messy poo to call her so that she can come help you wipe your bottom.”

They walk through the kitchen, down the hall, and into the bathroom. Magill is greeted with poop on the toilet seat, poop on the hand towel, poop streaks in the sink, on the faucet handles, and along the wall by the toilet paper holder.

With horror straining her vocal cords knowing that she will be cleaning this horrific mess, she squeaks out “What happened? Why didn’t you call mommy to help?????”

He shrugs and give her that I don’t know look.

After disinfecting her son, she grabs her HAZMAT suit and gets to work on cleaning up the rectal explosion that has coated most every surface of the bathroom.

The subject was forgotten.

The next afternoon Magill and Seraphim are riding down the road in the proverbial soccer van when out of the blue, Boy-child states, “Ya know mom…..sometimes poop’s messy.”

“I know Honey, that’s why you call mommy next time you have a messy poo so that she can come and help you clean up. So tell me, what happened in there, Buddy?”

“Well ya see, mom, it’s like this; I was sitting on the toilet takin’ a poop and I could tell it was gonna be a reeeeeealy BIG poop so when I was done I jump down and I turned around so’s I could look in the toilet and see how big the poop was and then I saw it and it was really, really, really big and I looked at it and went WWOOOOOOOWW really loud………and my gum fell in the toilet.”

Gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turn white, she exclaimed (quit loudly) “Do NOT put ANYTHING from the TOILET into your MOUTH!”

I got yelled at.

I gave him the gum.

Like I knew he was gonna try and dig his gum out of a colossal poo he took in the potty.

What's A Little Poo In The Big Scheme Of Things?