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The spawn and I went out for some pizza to celebrate my elevation to the eighth circle of hell, bolgia ten - thank you Danté. Because we were celebrating, I thought "What the heck, let's splurge and order some bread stick with marinara sauce as well!" As the nubile, young, blonde female-child approached our table to deliver the appetizer, what do you think mine eyes beheld?

YES! This was delivered to our table. Right in front of me. In front of my teenaged, hormonal, I-stay-behind-a-locked-door-because-I-have-to kids. I glance to the left and see Barbie smirking with the other serving wenches while pointing directly at me. They think it funny to mock a middle-aged woman? A middle-aged woman who hasn’t seen her boyfriend in eight weeks and five days? I…think…not!

As my children rise to go to the restrooms to wash their hands (because I demanded they do so, and do so right now) I gently take the breadstick in hand, turn to face those immature, inexperienced girls and proceed to eat the thing whole.

So I'm a tad on the loney side and yes, I am that desperate.

The guys tossing pizza dough in the back gave me a standing ovation.

Do I Look That Desperate?


I’ve done the unthinkable. What I’ve repeatedly stated I would never do. My mantra (number 361) is no longer valid and must be sent to the dungeon that imprisons all other fallacious and erroneous mantras. (I LOVE my thesaurus!!) I wrote a paper for one of my kids. I hang my head in shame. I am going to hell.

Okay, okay…..no need to brand me with a scarlet “H” for hypocrite; I did not come up with the title or subject of the paper as that was already decided upon. And I actually made them read the material and highlight all of the subject areas to be include but I had stuff to do, people. I had to go to the grocery store, bathe the dog, drop off a truckload of Good Will items, and go to my mother’s in order to return her vacuum cleaner that had been at my house for 4½ weeks. I did NOT have the time to lollygag at the house waiting for my kid to write a paper on the downfall of the Knights Templar. Geez-mo-ninnies guys, do you know how long that would have taken? My entire Saturday was already kaput! I got nuthin’, nada, zilch, done and the clock was a tickin’. It was already Sunday high-noon and the guns were slingin’. I had a shootout with my mother scheduled and my horse was lame. I panicked, I take full responsibility, I have violated the unwritten and sacred law of parenting: “Thou shalt not composeth manuscripts for thy offspring.”

I was good, though. I used a few conjunctions and when it was finished, the Flesch-Kincaid reading level was appropriately a 10.7. I do these things because I care. Because I’m a good mommy. Because I’m trying my best to cover-up the fact that the 27th commandment had been broken. I am doomed.

Okee-dokee, pity party over. I’m cool now. I’ve bemoaned my fate for those that care. Like no one else has never done the same for their kid? No? Then your children obviously aren’t old enough yet to have papers and projects requiring display boards with asinine deadline dates assigned to them.

Bookmark this for later reference and we’ll drink a toast to your demise. God how I love stripping good parents of their morals and values for the good of mankind.

“The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.” – Darth Vader

p.s. I promise to take pictures of the man-dolls we have dressed in robes and burning at the stake. I take these pictures again…because I care…because one day you will thank me for providing you with a last minute idea for that project your child “forgot to tell you about and is due on Monday”. I have many…..MANY great ideas. I am your master.

Hi, My Name is Marnie and I'm A Bad Mommy....Hi Marnie!

We're off to the Gold Coast at the crack of dawn, so this is my last post for a week or so. I did ask my husband whether we were taking the laptop and he looked at me as if I was crazy... and then said NO in a kind of challenging manner! I have no idea how I'm going to manage without any internet connection for over a week (although my daughter informed me there's internet in reception... I can see the pair of us sneaking away one night to catch up on our mail...)

Unfortunately the weather has been diabolical in Queensland just lately, but fingers crossed the rains will stop and the flooding will subside before we land. Can but hope! How ironic to leave home when the temps are touching 100 degrees to go on holiday where we'll need our brollies??

We're All Going on a... Summer Holiday...

Every Christmas morning I, my two teenaged spawn of Satan, and my seventy-one year old mother gather for Christmas breakfast at my brother’s house. With the entire crew (mother excluded because she thinks we’re all bonkers) still clothed in our favorite flannel pajamas (yes, it actually gets chilly in Florida) we gorged on Sister Schubert’s Sausage Wrap Yeast Rolls, homemade monkey bread, and a selection of breakfast-type pork items. Suddenly, amid the sparkle and gaiety of that magical morning, my nine year old niece screamingly discovered the “most awesome” gift of the holiday season……a Wii. Once Beelzebub and Linda Blair spied the Wii their own roars and snarls of excitement filled the air.

Our gluttonous souls contented, we herded ourselves toward the living room to watch these lovely children partake in Christmas morning activities. Gathered around the big-screen television and after restlessly scrutinizing forty-seven minutes of syncing the handheld controllers we were finally ready to experience this revolutionary and effortless technology. Admiring the ease at which some of the games were played I inquired as to whether or not I may have a turn. The progeny said yes.

Three days later I was fit into my doctor’s excessively busy schedule for numerous cortisone shots due to the fact I wrenched an elbow, threw out a hip, twisted a shoulder, and stubbed a toe. All of this while trying to pick the booger from a giant nose with a wireless handheld “finger”. Thank goodness I had recently trimmed my nails.

Wii Hate Video Games

The lovely Nalini is celebrating the upcoming release of the fourth full length entry in her Psy/changeling world, Mine to Possess. This book features a hot hero in the luscious Clay Bennett, and Nalini is running a contest where you get to rave/gush/cheer about your favourite hero(es).


Well it's a hard life having to trawl through pics of hot guys, but I've done my best and here is a selection of my current fave squeezes (yes only my current ones, I've recently reached the conclusion I'm a right hussy on the quite!!)






Okay here's one of Johnny Depp. I nearly went with the pirate image but decided this one was rather yummy!






And here is the divine Colin Firth as Mr Darcy. I tried very hard to find one of him just emerging from the lake, but the nearest I got was him dripping with disgusting brown water which didn't give the same effect at all!







Oh-KAY! Well phew. Look at this one of Hugh Jackman!! Hot or what???





Of course no list of hotties would be complete without the adorable Clive Owen, and here he is in a nice white shirt. Hmm. I just realised three of my boys are in white shirts. What does this mean??


Mine to Possess Hottie Contest

I have a love/hate relationship with my webiste. I use Frontpage and so long as you know what you're doing with it, everything is rosy.

Unfortunately, I rarely know what I'm doing and only just manage to muddle through to finish up with something vaguely resembling what I'd really like. Every few months I screw up my courage and decide to give it another go, and honestly I don't know why I bother because it invariably gives me a few hundred more grey hairs.

Anyway, New Year... etc. so I decided it was time to really try and get what I wanted. You might think I was after fancy bells and whistles but no. All I ever wanted was boxes. But could I ever find them? Umm, no.

In desperation, after I'd been fiddling about for countless hours, I ended up blubbering all over Amanda's shoulder (thankfully for her it was her virtual shoulder!). And she showed me the light by way of TABLES.

Oh yes! The wonder of tables. How had I never clicked onto this wondrous section of Frontpage before? So for the last week I've been happily playing with cell properties, padding and of course the tables.

Eventually of course I had to pluck up additional courage to actually publish the vamped up site. This always gives me palpitations, ever since I somehow managed to lose the entire backed up copies from my computer while uploading last year (thank god for my wonderful husband who somehow found a way to replace it all!)

Anyway, it's now done and I do love my boxes!!! Yes, I am very easily pleased...

Tarting Up

A co-worker and I were laughing about the fact that she and I both still have our Christmas trees up. Yeah, I know, I’m a slacker. I usually have the decorations up the weekend of Thanksgiving and down the weekend of Epiphany but here’s the thing. I didn’t get my decorations out of my mother’s attic until the Saturday after Thanksgiving. And see, my boyfriend was visiting that week and traveled all the way from Ohio to spend time with me………and the family. (Yeah right) So due to the fact I was “busy” that weekend I was a bit tardy putting up my decorations this year. When did I get them up, you ask? Hmmm, guess it was about December 16th that I finally finished putting all the decorations up. So let’s do the math, shall we? Had I put up the decoration the weekend of Thanksgiving as I normally do, and had taken them down and neatly packed away the weekend of Epiphany – that’s a full six weeks to enjoy the sparkling, shiny, and glorious holiday ribbons and garlands. So, if I didn’t get the celebratory decorations up until December 16th – six weeks makes it JANUARY 27th! I have another whole week to enjoy my holiday season and procrastinate taking down those dad-gum holiday goo-ga’s, ribbons, ornaments, and Santas! YEA ME!






WAIT!!!!!
I just thought of something.
She said her tree was artificial.
Mine’s not.
CRAP – I forgot to water the damn thing, too!
SH*T!!!!!
KIDS.....DO NOT TURN ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS!
NO!
THAT’S NOT FUNNY!
SH*T!!!!
DAMN IT! KICK THE DOG OUT THE BACK DOOR AND GRAB THE EXTINGUISHER!!!

Does Anyone Else Still Have Their Christmas Tree Up?

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I had chicken for dinner last night and it made me think of my blog and how I’ve neglected my fans.

Last week I took a look at pictures from less than a year ago. May I be the first to state what a porker I am? As I would like to once again feel sexy in my turquoise flamingo and trailer park pajamas I’ve decided to count points the Weight Watchers way. According to the system, I have been allotted 20 – 25 points a day. As I’m a bit of a greedy girl, I’ve given myself the whole entire 25 points per day. Now, I’m not one to actually attend WW meetings BUT I did make the effort to steal my daughters point counting books so that I could determine just how much I’m eating a day vs. what I SHOULD be eating a day. I’m not very good with math (simple addition and subtraction tends to make me vomit) but I have devised my very own, specially formulated points counting system that I want to share with my friends, family, and loved ones.

Marnie’s Points

1. 2 points for eating only 7 chocolate chip cookies instead of the entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy.

2. 3 points for eating my double cheeseburger in the car before I get to the school to pick up the kids and they see that I stopped at McDonald’s and didn’t get them anything.

3. 1 point for removing the pickle and strategically throwing it out the window into oncoming traffic.

4. 1 point for it landing on the windshield of a sports car driven by a middle-aged man with a comb-over.

5. 5 points for using wheat pasta in any dish I make because it tastes like crap.

6. 5 additional points for actually eating it.

7. 3 points for the cease and desist of coffee drinking by 7:00 pm to alleviate that additional pound of sugar and ½ gallon of 2% milk consumption.

8. 2 points for not beating my kids senseless before they go to bed.

9. 1 point for chain-smoking in the evenings while I read my trashy romance novel.

10. 2 points for getting to bed before midnight.



There you go folks; feel free to indulge in the fun-filled activity of counting points to lose weight.

It works for me!

Who Needs Weight Watchers?

I decided, New Year - new agent blitz. So during the week I sent queries out to seven agents. By late last night, I'd received one rejection (didn't sound like the kind of thing they would rep), three requests for partials and one request for the full.

OMG. The full!! I'd still got about 60 pages left to final polish and edit when that came through, so I spent all today with head down, butt in chair madly finishing it off.

All was going well (this ms has had several edits so far...!) until I hit the final chapter. And it had the wrong ending.

You know that feeling when you're on the rollercoaster, when the little car perches perilously before free falling into that death defying plunge? That was how my stomach felt as I realised that at some point in the past I'd saved the wrong bloody version of my book.

I sat there for about one whole minute just staring at the screen thinking, umm noooo, I couldn't have been so stupid... but in the end I had to close the document and search through all the nooks and crannies in my computer.

Nada. Zilch. At this point I might had said a rude word. Or two.

I then looked through my flash drive but again, I'd stupidly saved the previous version. ARGH.

Eventually, after much hair pulling (and watering of the eyes) I discovered a lone version tucked away on one of my off-the-planet email accounts. YAY! Relieved? I'll say.

So what have I learned from this? Well, it's that no matter how often I save my docs, the one that gets away is always the one that is desperately needed at some point in the future. This is the reason I'm a hoarder! And quite obviously, I don't hoard nearly enough!!

And the Moral of this Story Is...

1. ….can’t think of anything to say.

2. No more internet at home due to teenagers surfing inappropriate sites.

3. No more internet because I hate MySpace.

4. No more internet because my son was struck dumb when I showed him that even though he deleted his history I could still see the sites he had visited on the web.

5. Once I start a list of things I get sidetracked because I’m ADD.

6. Oh look! A chicken!

7. Single parenting is time consuming.

8. I can’t wait until my kids get driver’s licenses.

9. Do you think they’ll run errands for me?

10. I really should have finished the dishes last night instead of watching "Ghost Hunters" on the Sci-Fi Channel.

11. Oh look! A chicken!

Why I Suck At Blogging

Currently I'm waiting to hear back from Nocturn on a partial, SSE on a query and Harlequin on a Spice Brief. I've also got a couple of projects out with various agents and am a third of the way through a final (!) edit of my 100k para.

I very much want to finish my Angel story which I began nearly a year ago and then abandoned two thirds of the way through. Unfortunately I didn't do an outline for this one, it was all in my head, and although I have the odd strange flash when I really concentrate, I fear I've forgotten all the little details I wanted to add. Oops!

For my sanity I also need to finish the bloody dead body book too, for no other reason than I hate to think it's beaten me!

I bought my son His Dark Materials trilogy for Christmas, and we finished them at the end of last week. We've now persuaded daughter #2 and she's mid way through book 2. For sheer curiosity as to how on earth the movie holds together without the teeth in the novels, they're now watching The Golden Compass and will report back to me shortly. Having seen a preview it looks absolutely gorgeous especially those daemons, but I'm happy to wait for the DVD.

Finally, I am sooo excited about our holiday to the Gold Coast in just under three weeks time. My inner child can't wait to visit all the theme parks!!

Taking Stock


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